Focusing on Marriages

Marriages are worth saving.

Real Wives: Sidenote...FYI...We promote healthy marriages!

Real Wives: Sidenote...FYI...We promote healthy marriages!: For those who email us regarding divorce... you will never hear "Leave him or her!" You will only hear work on your marriage through a speci...
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Sidenote...FYI...We promote healthy marriages!

For those who email us regarding divorce... you will never hear "Leave him or her!" You will only hear work on your marriage through a specialist or your local church.


And for those who ask "Who you should talk to about your marriage?":

Wives who are dedicated to the husband and their marriage will not exploit the relationship but rather hold it as sacred. The vows are eternal regardless of the momentary lapses in the relationship (they will come) but holdfast to that the love that took you on the journey. The personal issues within the marriage are just that personal and not to be shared with family and friends. If there are issues beyond the control of the marriage, seek counsel from church leadership or licensed professionals who are impartial and knowledgeable on the subject of marriage and relationships. Hold your marriage to a standard when others around you do not (you may be the example).

We are only here to promote healthy marriages. Yes there are times when the marriage/relationship seems too heavy but we believe in healing hurts and restoring the bonds...not divorce.
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“Listen to your husband!” Personal Side Note

Have you ever been accused of not being focused on what is around? Looking down when you walk or going places that most people would not go without a bodyguard or group? Well, it is time to start listening to those people and pay attention.

My husband has always been cautious and I took it further to say “He was overly cautious!” When he decided to install a security alarm, I really thought he had lost it! That is how care free I was! He was the security system! I know paranoia is a word that we shouldn’t use loosely but a little paranoia may go a long way. Now, my husband knows all about crime and works in the law enforcement sector which means I should listen to him intently when he explains why I should be here and not there but…

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. A few years ago, I left work late and should have gone straight home but “I’m grown”, right? So, I decide to stop at a local pharmacy to pick up a few things. My husband had said many times, “Do not stop at stores late at night by yourself!” and “There are predators waiting for women just like you!” And of course my "adult"self replied, “I am an adult and I can take care of myself” or “You are always trying to scare me!” And I went about my “business” and continued to stop when and where I pleased, without a care in the world. This particular night, I parked on the side of the building thinking it would be more convenient getting out. I planned to run in and out quickly but I did notice a man standing outside as I went inside. But I paid him no attention, he seemed harmless enough.

After shopping for about 5 minutes, I was done and head to my car. As I approached my car I realized the man was following me with a step that had a definite intent. I began to run but only around my car and he chased me around the car twice before he gave up. I jumped in my car (angry!) with objective to run him down with the car, YES I did! He tried to rob me and I was about to let him know he picked the wrong person! But he got away by running into a nearby wooded area. I drove home and knew I had to tell my husband!!!

He was upset about the potential robbery but more upset that I went against his wishes by going to a store alone in this particular area. We called the police but to my surprise I was told by the officer that if I had run the man over, I would have been charged given that he had done nothing to me! Whoa! I had no idea but I learned a few valuable lessons that night!

  • LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND even when it seems crazy to you
  • Be aware of your surroundings and take mental notes
  • You cannot run someone over who has done nothing but scare you! LOL
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Can we really talk?

So, you have something to say to your spouse but find it difficult to speak your heart without sounding judgmental or petty and no matter what you say he or she will not receive the words positively? Been there done that so understood! One issue is that regardless of our gender (male or female), our character will determine our response; if we are naturally defensive; the defense mechanism will kick in. Therefore, we have to know in advance the approach has to be delicate.

Give it some thought and do not jump into a conversation without going over all the possible outcomes. Time spent thinking about the conversation and how it will flow may prevent an argument that could lead to more issues. If you do not agree with your spouse on a subject (it happens!) and the subject is important to your values; in other words you feel the decision or side he or she is taking up is not correct in your “opinion”, it is time to breath. First of all, we cannot win every disagreement and must fold at times for peace but if the feelings are strong take them on and stand your ground but be smart. Being smart means thinking first! Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is this something that I must press?
  • Importance: life changing
  • Morally right or wrong

    2. How can I relay my ideas without sounding condescending, petty, or argumentative?
  • Present the idea or case calmly
  • Have facts not thoughts alone if there are facts
  • Understand the other side’s points of view
  • Voice valid points made by the other side

    3. How will he or she react to my objections?
  • Know your spouse; how much can he or she take before they have had enough, be prepared to stop the conversation without resolution
  • Listen but also hear what he or she is saying so that when it is time to regurgitate their thoughts, you will have the facts
  • Do not go in prepared to argue (mindset); Remember, “You are having a conversation!”
  • Make the conversation light if possible

    4. Will this cause a problem within the marriage that will linger on?
  • After a resolution has been reached, will the decision effect the marriage negatively
  • If the issue involves an outside party or situation do not put it before the marriage

    There will be disagreements but make sure we have conversations not arguments. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree but at times a decision has to be made and it can be difficult but necessary. Think about it this way, a year or even 5 years from now will it matter if you lost the battle or won the war; the war is the marriage. We will always have disagreements as long as we have a better half. That better half may sometimes seem like they are not the best half but nor do you; it goes but ways. The necessity to “win” should not be the goal but rather the necessity to make the right decisions that will not compromise your marriage.
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    “Pre-Marital Counsel or Not”

    Why isn’t so easy to say, “I want a divorce!” and get it? The answer may lie in how easy it is to say “I do!” A man can propose today and the marriage can be held the very next without regard to compatibility or familiarity.

    Compatibility can be held as the most important at times since an individual’s experiences, culture, and overall background can turn things upside down. We sometimes see the veneer of a person’s life but not always get a glimpse of what the layer is covering up. Sometimes it isn’t hidden purposefully but rather it is lying dormant until there it’s time to pull the defenses. Those defenses reveal wounds that were to be quietly kept until a time the individual was ready to unveil them but now you are married and it is time to deal with those wounds. Wounds you had no idea existed. Now, with compatibility being at the forefront of the relationship, those wounds would have possibly been divulged through pre-marital counsel or just simply asking the right questions. And let’s not talk about the wounds the other side has and mixing the two; this could be explosive. We cannot possible know all there is to know about one another but making an effort to get to know the individual mentally, emotionally, and their historical values (family relationships) can mean making cautious steps.

    Counseling not only reveals a multitude of layers hidden beneath the veneers but it can also expose the relationship as a whole. Exposing the hard truths of a relationship comes over time, ongoing counseling forces the couple to face those truths sooner rather than later. The sooner, the better; knowing who you are “really” marring will save both parties time and heartache. Familiarity means you know this person well enough to take it to the next level, marriage. It doesn’t mean you know their date of birth, where they grew up, or mother’s first name. It means you practical know what they are thinking (no, you aren’t a mind reader) but you are in tune with their needs, wants, and vulnerabilities. When a situation arises that relates to your significant other, you know how to handle the situation with sensitivity and support. If you cannot or they cannot do this, there is not familiarity.

    Marriage should not be entered into lightly and should be held to a higher standard. There was a time in the United States when a couple could not get married until a blood test was performed. Now, it is as simple as filling out paperwork and finding a licensed official. Advising friends and family to seek counsel prior to marriage should be the first advice we give to couples regardless of who they are. We cannot save marriages when the vows should have never been spoken.
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    The facades in life

    Pretense has caused many to fall due to their lack of truth or shall we say honesty. We can be honest with this sector of our life but not portions that really count or can cause our live to crumble into a mess. Our lives are lived once without much room for second chances to be honest. We hide behind pretty white veneers that give the facade of happiness without one ounce of imperfection. But the flaws and all make us who we are and we should embrace the flaws in order to reveal and heal the defect. And yes defect is a harsh word but we must be direct to communicate the issue.

    The issue is that we want people to acknowledge or include us; we want to be a part of the big crowd or the “right” crowd. But we never recognize the big crowd is full of flawed or imperfect beings trying to keep the frontage clean without one blemish. Now, we all know that a face will have at least one bump in a lifetime and it can not be escaped. There will be a stain that will cause a little discoloration in our lives. Photoshop can not clean up these imperfections and the dermatologist can not prescribe a cream. The best treatment is honesty.

    These issues have crept into our relationships with friends, spouses, co-workers, and our children; we have even fooled ourselves overtime into believing the lie we tell everyone else. Yes, we are lying when we aren’t sincere or hide our true selves from those we wish have relationships with.

    Now, when we are honest and reveal truth regardless of how ugly it is we find freedom within and freedom to be open in all areas of our lives. Imagine if Arnold had just been honest 10 years ago with Maria and simply said, “I want something else and I can not do this anymore!” He would found his happiness; she could have support his decision to move on; the people of California would have a decision to elect him or not knowing his flaws. We have created a world where flaws must be hidden or we can not have relationships when the truth is our relationships would benefit more when we know that “Billy has been unfaithful” or “Carla lives or came from the wrong side of the tracks”. We hide anything that may put us in a different light to others but it is our own insecurities that have formed the opinions we hold. Trust, no one truly cares unless they have their own insecurities that are being veneered over with false laughs, hugs, and other adorations of concern.

    We can not change how others live but when we start with ourselves it will move from your circle to another and so on. Marriages will be saved, families will begin to heal, and friendships will grow stronger. Communicate the flaws and all.
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    What is killing your marriage?

    Do you even know your marriage is dying or sufficating to death? More to come.
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    American Values Cause Great Swifts in Marital Values

    The values once held high among Americans has dropped so significantly that it has affected marriages and divorce rates. Can we find the these lost values, change the course of our beliefs, and began to once again see the constitution as an honorable union that will not end in ink?

    The effect of lost American values has caused marriages to fail more rapidly and oddly enough marriages of many years have collapsed due to the debacle. Marriages are victims of worldly attitudes that disrespect and discount the constitution of marriage allowing rapid divorces at the right price, non-support to save marriages, and simple nods of agreement when divorce is announced.
    Why do we agree with divorce so easily? Have we gone so far into world values that our values of marriage mean nothing? Where we once yearned for love, marriage and a baby carriage as children wanting the dream life, we now yearn to be free of our spouses, children at times, and the commitment we once held so dear. When does that picture get so cloudy that a man or woman cannot see the person they initially married?
    The arguments are over but the memories of them linger creating resentment and eventually a dislike for the one you love. Yes, you still love them but you cannot position your mind to thoroughly enjoy them as you once had. Remember the first time you knew he or she was the one and that was not a fabled time (although it felt like a dream), it was true love. You could hardly wait for his or her call or together, just silently knowing this person had your back. This is the same being you allowed to engulf your world and vice versa, no one else was of substance.
    It can be again, if you are willing to set aside past differences. Communication is key when things need to be turned around without it is futile. Listening to each other regarding concerns and hurts with the intention of hearing them issues, not just to save face. Hearing is not just listening it is a heartfelt and thorough consideration of each other’s feelings. Values are basically what it has come down to in our relationships. Valuing ourselves, then one another as human beings and finally valuing the family unit. We must get back to basic values if nothing else.
    Women are choosing to conceive without committing to marry perpetuating the ideology that a complete family unit is not necessary. Marriages ending without full consideration of the effects on those involved, just signing away the commitment. Although, we want our children to commit without quitting but what are we teaching them? They are watching how we conduct our business, our commitments and ultimately how we exit our pledges.
    Let us turn our attention to our values and why we accept perishable promises. Perishable because we can make our obligations disappear with the stroke of a pen.

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    God’s gift of Marriage

    The gift of life can be debated by many scholars, researchers, and historians for many reasons including evolution but the bible is plain, God created man. And then He created Adam’s helpmeet, to assist in the Garden of Eden (to be man’s permanent home until the fall of man). The woman was to help Adam in overseeing the garden and ultimately be a companion. This was the first marriage:

    "And the Lord God said, 'it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him'" (Gen. 2:18).
    "Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said:

    'This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh;
    She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.'

    Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

    Genesis 2:22-24

    Here God proclaimed the marriage “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh”. This union cannot be denied nor should be ignored or forsaken by the world. A world formed by God for man and all creatures. With Adam and Eve, God declared life! God did not give Adam two wives or other women to satisfy his needs. God created man and knew satisfaction could and should come from one woman. God’s plan was marriage, commitment, and eternal love between the man and woman.
    Reality is we marry for many reasons but no matter the reason, we commit! We committee to love, honor, and cherish but at the first site of unsteady ground someone cries separate or divorce. This is not honor and definitely not respecting the constitution of marriage, it is ratifying God's plan to accommodate our desires to control our lives. Man created divorce to break free of this union and continue the hunt for happiness. There are times when divorce may be the only answer under extenuating circumstances.
    Simply believing that love has been lost between spouses means one or both stopped trying to love, respect, and give the best of themselves.

    Cherish God’s gift and offer your husband or wife your very best at all times. This is one of God’s gift to you, be thankful!
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